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just a random thought: If I were to drown in sea today, would anyone care? Like seriously, would there even be someone, anyone, stranger or whatever, would anyone grieve for me? I mean, does anyone even love me, for me? Does anyone love me not because of obligation, nor because of relationship, seriously, does anyone love and know genuinely who I really am. In fact, does anyone even except me for who I am, for my flaws, for my incapabilities? Am I living a normal life? I don’t know, is this truly what everyone goes through too? Is this part and parcel of growing up? The sufferings I have to go through, the misunderstandings I seem to cause, the troubles I create, the disasters that occurs every now and then, the misery and pure sorrow I feel every single day, the number of disappointments I create and face, the sense of loss and hopelessness that never seems to go away, are they truly what everyone goes through, and what I truly must go through too? Really? It’s just so hard, I might just give up one day, maybe soon. If I were to give up, I’m not sure what I’ll do.. I can’t give the assurance that I’ll remain alive. I’ll try though, for those who love and care for me. Oh wait, do I actually have people who care and love me? Hmm let me recall.. doubt so. Am I right to say there’s practically no one I can rely on, no one I can talk to, no one I can depend on, no one I can pour out my secrets to, no one to share all joys and sorrows with me, no one by my side. Well, to some people, it may seem like I said all these in the heat of the moment, but the fact that I calmed myself before this outpour, and plus I only started writing all these after years of going through the same process, I’ve only recently come to realise that whenever I am in trouble, am facing a problem, experienced some good news and in desperate need to share my joy with someone, I turn left and right, do many flashbacks, trying to recall all the contacts I have, then it struck my mind. I actually have no one I can turn to. Like how everybody has that someone, an individual, that belongs to them only. You know what I mean? Just that someone who knows you’re the only person she can turn to, and you know she’s the only person you can turn to? Well, I don’t have a person like that. In this world I live in, I am indeed all by myself. Everything I do, I do it for myself. Every bad situation I’m in, I’m in it all by myself. Every problem that comes my way, every obstacle I have to overcome, I face it alone. There is no one there to support me, no one. I don’t blame anyone for it, I mean, what can I do when I’m born into a broken family, thrust into a household / ‘family’ that does not seem anything like what it really is on the inside. I can’t whine, not only because I don’t have the right to, I don’t have anyone to whine to. And whining to the dull walls and blocks of objects around me is just plain useless and pathetic. So, all I can do and deserve to do is keep everything to myself, bottle everything up, hoping one day it wouldn’t overflow and explode. I never want that to happen because if that happens, I’m pretty sure people will judge me with a different look, and I’ll gain unnecessary and undesired attention and ‘care’ from my ‘family’. That’s actually the main reason why all of this have to be kept a secret, all my emotions have to be bottled up, stuffed inside my throat, and make sure I am suffocated by it yet staying alive so people would not know. They always think secrets equates to hiding which means you’re talking bad about someone, but seriously, they should deeply ponder upon why my behaviour and manner is different at home and in school. But they’ve never thought about the reason I would write bad things about them, ‘derogate and condemn’ (according to themselves) them, to pieces of paper, hide it with the aim that they wouldn’t read it. Isn’t that a bit odd? What’s the point of writing bad about someone, and only you and your paper knows about it? They’ve always thought of me as a bad influence, hopeless, stupid, troublemaker, then I shall be it. I mean, no matter what I do, nobody will notice, so there really isn’t any point in me trying to redeem myself. This shall be it. I shall be whoever they think I am. After all, isn’t going with the flow the easiest?

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