they say they love me the same, as equal as her. Really. I do not mean to doubt their care, of course i am grateful that they have decided to spend so much time and money on me, a stranger, undeserving of all the care. But like Gracia said in the morning, “everytime empty talk, never put the words into action” she was referring to me. The tone in her voice held so much hatred and disdain, it was so harsh, and i finally felt how true the expression that “words cut like knife and could kill”. Those words she said, although it wasn’t directly to me, was enough to kill me, i swear. I don’t know what has come upon me these few days, but it seems like gradually and all of a sudden, i seem to discover that whatever opinions i hold about them, and whatever i think they’ve judged me for came true. For instance, a few minutes ago, Gracia found a shorts on the bed. Immediately Aunty’s first reaction is to call (or may i say, SHOUT) to me “Jie Jie! Come here! Is this your shorts?” I bet you it was a rhetorical qns to her as she expects me to say yes. To her disappointment, i said no. and i wasn’t lying. Then she asked Mummy still holding on to the hope that I’ve lied so she can scold me more. You should’ve seen the look on her face when mummy Diolita said it wss hers. It was as if she wanted to say “urgh! how wasted not to have scolded her (me)” aunty once said she didn’t like scolding me, and i believed. I mean her argument that it’s actually tiring is convincing enough for me. Yet, all her actions seem to prove her argument wrong. Even to put that aside, what upsets me alot is, even after mummy Diolita said it was hers, Gracia (I was so tempted to put brat, but i don’t want to hold so muc hatred, it’s bad for my health) still kept asking “Are you sure”. Her tone again, just hit me on the nail. It just suddenly made me realise how suspicious they are of me, and this isn’t the only one incident. Almost everyday, there seems to be something for them to be suspicious of of me. I know, I once stole many things from them before, money, jewellery, Gracia’s things, even the minor stuffs. But I’m really trying to change. Because although among all the things they do to me which i don’t agree on, I know i should be grateful, hence not steal. But are they giving me a chance? No. They suspect me multiple times on things i didn’t do, how do you think i feel. Yes it’s my fault (wanted to say partially, but oh well, since i’m no unwanted and unworthy, might as well shoulder all the blame) they’re suspicious of me, but not so much to this extent right? I thought if a person has shown improvements, people’s suspicions will gradually disappear? Haven’t i proven myself enough through all the times they suspect me of taking something when they’ve actually just misplaced it and found it eventually? Then right after that happened, uncle also ‘SHOUT’ to me and accused me of not switching off the fan AGAIN. in truth, i just turned it on and only went away for like a minue. So i told him. Then he was speechless. Nevermind if he never apologise, he could’ve just walked away and save himself some pride. but know what he did? He shook his head, at me, towards me, intending to show i’m irresponsible or at fault. oh my god they’re driving me mad! Have they really nothing else better to do!? that’s why i often find myself wondering, they call me a part of their family, and try in alot of ways to make sure I’m treated equally – go on holiday with them, if Gracia have 1 ice-cream i’ll have one too blah blah blah.. but this isn’t the form of equality I’m seeking for. Or isit they find it hard to treat me equally in terms of discipline because they feel it’s easier to scold me and vent their anger on me than Gracia? So the price i have to pay for receiving equal amt of items as Gracia is letting them nag and scold me whenever they please? Is this then really treating me like family so as they preach?