Why you keep saying everything is my fault
Really, isit just me
Or let’s not blame each other. Maybe the real reason just simply, very simply lies in how I can NEVER fit into this family.
Because our perceptions, belief is different BEYOND explanation, beyond repair, beyond any hopes of redemption. Because very simply, I cannot wholeheartedly accept you as yourself, and let’s be honest, you can’t accept me wholeheartedly as well. Yes I admit maybe you have come to accept me more than I have accepted you, I do not deny that.
You say that I every time say people don’t care for me whatever. Since when? All along I admit that y’all are not purely bad people, in fact y’all are not bad at all. I said multiple times that I’m the one at fault,
You think I carry a “black” face because I’m tired, not enough sleep, stressed blah blah blah
This really shows it. Y’all DO NOT understand me AT ALL. I do not show faces when I’m stressed first of all. I would like to establish myself as firm in the path I want to take, I do not resort to emotional foundering and waste my emotions away on things that are not worth it, including toleration. Maybe this explains the absolute lack of tolerance I have for y’all. And why y‘all may say I always “don’t bother”
To tell you seriously, I never asked and expected y’all to care for me and OVERDO the things y’all are doing right now. And I’m not being angry that why y’all complain of doing the things then might as well don’t do. Instead, I’m very frustrated because it has been welled up so deep, so long within me to tell y’all this: “I have utmost confidence and certainty that if y’all stop caring for me genuinely, it will really benefit all of us, including keeping your family close.” And I know, seeing the traditional and rigid values y’all have, you would say that by doing these would ruin or relationships, ruin the meaning of family… but come on let’s face it, isn’t the relationship ruined now anyways? What’s the point of holding on to the hope that as long as I change, as long as I tell you what I want and whatever illogical useless ‘solutions’ you can think of, we can stay as a family? Perhaps blood isn’t thicker than water? Have you ever CAREFULLY thought about that? After all this is just a claim/quote/wise saying, whatever. Maybe this can apply to the majority, but nothing can be applied to all right? Because in my 18 years of growing up, albeit not long enough to be identified as mature/experienced, to me it’s enough to come to the conclusion that I’ve NEVER experienced ANY TRUTH in that bloody statement
And anyways, you were saying that I’m still hiding a lot of things from y’all? YES I AM. And despite this confession which may potentially, or absolutely bring me into trouble with your illogical verbal and emotional attacks, I confidently admits because it’s impossible not to, don’t you think? So denying would make me a blatant liar, one who is shameless and it certainly isn’t worth being degraded by the deprivations in my life, so far. And why isit that I simply have to have at least one thing (in fact more) to hide from you every single day? Maybe it all boils down to the fact that your set of rules are only meant for perfect beings, in your perception and as said earlier, if I can NEVER understand or accept your values and beliefs, how can I even embody the perfect being? And even if I force myself to, it probably would be too hard on me and I’m not willing to sacrifice to that extent. So maybe you have been GREATLY EXCESSIVELY oppressive and suppressed me so much through all your illogical rules, that the only way for me to survive and preserve my self (which hopefully by now, you at least know that self means a lot to me, if you don’t, I’m proud to say, YOU DON’T KNOW ME AT ALL) is by hiding things away from you.