Wednesday, Feb 10 2016, 5.07pm
3rd day of chinese new year and I already feel like shit. Not to mention the fact that this supposed festive season is perpetuated by everyone with super heavy emphasis on family and gatherings between loved ones and what not. Well, straight to the point, the reason I’m raging my guts out right now, and I don’t even know what got me so sensitive that I’m tearing right now – tears of misery, fury, is because of that mother-fucking bastard. Sorry grandma I’m not cursing you or anything, but seriously, not that I want to elevate or think so highly of myself or something, but seriously, I find something, no wait, loads of things fundamentally abnormal and illogical and simply ludicrous in my “family”. No matter how hard I try to see them as blood related, I just can’t seem to ever meet eye to eye with them. Every smallest thing I’ll somehow (I would say unintentionally??) dig out something fundamentally different between me and this “family”. And I just seem to disapprove of the slightest thing related to them, like how they eye me with suspicions and disapproval all the time as well. What happened couple of minutes ago once again churned out the rage within me, the hatred, the disgust and most importantly, the disrespect I harbour towards my “family” members, ESPECIALLY ESPIECIALLY that bastard.
I am proud (yet not at the same time) to say I have been trying to kick this urge of hating on that damned bastard and using all these disrespectful terms on him. Like I am really conscious that if I do it, it’s wrong and there’s no argument about it that the very action of disrespecting him is my fault. I don’t want to justify myself or anything, but I feel a need to explain because I need someone to see from my point of view and reassure me that I’m not wrong to think and feel so much disdain towards them, if not at least reason out to me why I’m wrong and should listen to them then. So here’s what just happened..
I just came back from “staying over” at tpy and I didn’t sleep a wink the whole of last time having directed my energies towards my phone. Then I was kinda in a high mood because I’m excited to tell mummy diolita and aunty what “nonsense” happened at home and laugh together with them over it. So when aunty asked me what mummy gekhoon did when I passed her the $500, and what I told her, I just said when I passed her the money mummy GH accepted it with sorrow out of gratitude. And I told her “uncle and aunty give you this.” Immediately when that FUCKED UP BASTARD heard me say that, he flared up. Turned around towards me and shouted with his usual FUCKED UP face (the frown), “WHY YOU NEVER FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS. ALR TELL YOU SAY IT’S YOUR AUNTY GIVE ONE, WHY YOU ANYHOW INCLUDE ME INSIDE.” EH YOU FUCKING BASTARD, WHATS YOU DEAL. SERIOUSLY EVEN IF I DIDN’T SAY YOU GAVE, WHO THE FUCK WOULDN’T KNOW!? EVERYONE KNOWS THE FUCKING MONEY IS GIVEN BY YOU RIGHT. ALL THE FUCKING MONEY ALWAYS COME FROM YOU WHAT. THE FUCK. ALL YOUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS ALL CLEARLY KNOW YOU ALWAYS GIVE MY MOTHER MONEY WHAT. EVEN IF YOU DON’T FUCKING SAY OR EVEN IF YOU YOURSELF FUCKING SAY IT TO THEIR FACES AND INSIST THAT THE MONEY IS NOT GIVEN BY YOU, YOU THINK PEOPLE WILL FUCKING BELIEVE? Trust you to have attained a doctorate degree when this kind of simple logic also you don’t get?? Plus, it’s obvious you are angering and raging over this trivial matter because YOU ARE FUCKING IMMATURE. Afraid to lose face and don’t want to let your sister (mummy GH) know you still care for her and what not. FUCKING BASTARD. Then dare you to get angry and shout at me. So old already you’re way past adulthood and entering senior citizen, unless you’re saying this is a symptom of old age and nagginess and the typical old age pettiness, then okay fine. But I don’t think so. URGH THEN I GOT SO FUCKING ANGRY THAT I DECIDED TO GO TAKE A NAP TO DROWN OUT HIS VOICE AND JUST, THE ENVIRONMENT OF THIS WHOLE HOUSE.